Heart's Desire

I am seriously not liking this phase of my life. This moment where I have to decide what I want to do in my life.

Seriously, every  time I think about the future my mind goes like 200km per hour and everything's so messed up and I just get a lil crazy and when I think too hard about it I even feel like crying.

My parents are very supportive and they said they didn't mind whatever it is that I want to do, but it's really hard you know. Dad says I can do a lot of things, (meaning my course, you know since I take the pure science stream) and he wants me to get into UM. No, scratch that. I have to get into UM. I don't mind him saying I need to get into UM cos you know what? I don't know what I want to do.

He did the research for me (because he's more excited for me to get into UM) and he gave me a recommendation. For Diploma, take the Management course. Because that's the only Diploma offered in UM that I could take, since I do not want to take anything that is heavily science-based. Even with the Diploma, I would already be qualified to become an Assistant Administrative Officer, whatever the hell that is.

With that Diploma, I can also get a Degree in UM more easily I guess because it was one of the requirements to continue Degree in UM. There are other options besides the Diploma, which is Matriks but I can only take science or accounts in Matriks and I do not intend to do either of that. With the Management Diploma, I could continue any Degree in UM that I want, it does not necessarily have to be Management, but if I suddenly do fall in love with it I can also continue in Management. Basically, this route is giving me a lot of options.

It is a good thing, I don't have any objections about it. I don't know about management, but I think I can work it out, and I can do other things for my Degree.

The situation right now is like this, my brothers are home right now. The eldest, Abang, is currently doing his Masters in Geology. The second brother/third child, Andi, is currently doing Degree in Engineering. And so whenever we talk about my future they also give their thoughts about it.

Abang is on track. He has always been interested in rocks since he was a kid. And so he took Geology and he seems to enjoy it. Career-wise, he might continue for a PhD and become a lecturer.

Andi is giving me a headache. He told me he also didn't know what to do after SPM and Dad suggested taking Engineering, and he said he was like "Oh, that kinda sounds interesting." And he told me that when Dad suggested anything to me (including the UM route above) I was like "Hmmmm.... yeah sounds ok." So he asked me if I was really okay with it.

Earlier too, we (begrudgingly) went to lunch with my Mak Tam. And of course The Golden Question was asked. I said I wasn't sure what I wanted to do yet. So they asked, Doctor? No way. Engineer? I accidently said Maybe but in reality, No. Culinary? I said No too.

So then Andi asks me "Then what do you want to do?"

That's the thing bro, I DON'T KNOW!!

Back to Andi though, he told my Dad that he doesn't really think that he'll be and Engineer at the end of the day. He said that he's more interested in Teaching or 'Tenaga Pengajar' or something somewhat. He said he might be either a lecturer or a high school teacher. Dad said he should be a lecturer cos he thinks it suits Andi more and something like "You don't want to discipline children,right?" and Andi just hums in response.

I don't know if Dad remembers but I do. Andi once said that he wanted to be a school teacher because he could educate children, help shape them up. And maybe I remembered it because it was a really honorable thing for him to want to do. If I'm not mistaken he had said he wanted to be a kindergarten teacher at one time too.

Back to his conversation with Dad, he said maybe he won't be an Engineer and Dad said "Just follow your heart's desire." And Andi's heart's desire is probably becoming a school teacher.

So what about me? What about my heart's desire? Should I also follow it too? What if my heart's desire is not a good thing? Will everyone not accept it?

My heart's desire... If I'm truly being honest, I want to have a relaxing life and enjoy it. I don't want to do anything that's hard and stressful. But you know what? This is just my immature thinking. Everyone wants to have a good life, but they grow up. They have faced hardships to have a good life. Me? I'm still thinking like a spoiled brat.

I do have something I feel like doing, but I'm not even sure I could call it my heart's desire. Maybe it's just something I want to do, like wanting to try a Macaron or Pavlova. It's not like tasting desserts all over the world is your heart's desire, right? It's just something interesting you might want to try.

So there is this thing. I want to write a story, either so sad it'll tug your heartstrings and make you bawl your eyes out, or so good in a way you feel like you're in the book. You feel like, "Yeah, I've been through this kind of things." If I'm gonna put  it in a cheesy way, I wanna inspire people through my stories.

I really enjoy good stories. Be it through books, animes, movies or TV shows. It could be real, it could be fiction.

But that's the thing though. I did say it once, "I'm kinda interested in writing. Like, stories." And Dad was all "Oh, creative  writing. Yeah, there's those stuffs too" and the conversation kind of strays and he never mentioned about it again. Even Andi who was listening didn't comment anything on it.

I did joke with Andi about it once. I was trying to tell Andi about Kuroko No Basket's plot but I was fangirling so much I kinda got it all jumbled up, and he said "You're a really good story-teller" full of sarcasm. And I replied with equal sarcasm "Yeah, I'm aiming to become a writer you know"

He must have thought I was joking, but I was actually kinda serious at that time. But after he said that, of course the insecure-me comes out. Do I really have the talents for this? Is my English even that good? Kakak is definitely a better writer, and better in English, she even speaks with an accent, okay?

So now I don't know what to do. And like the post before, about the Future Talk, being in culinary might be great too, but in desserts area. Pastry Chef. But Dad already said No. He said "Culinary? No, I don't want Adik to take that" So Andi asked why and he said it was like music, something he thought would be better left as a hobby. But I am kinda interested in it. Maybe it's because I think it won't be as hard as other things, and I won't be studying some crazy stuffs.

Of course, even if Dad says it's up to me what I want to do, he already mentioned that he does not want me to take Culinary. So even if I end up taking something, if he doesn't like me taking it, it still kinda sucks. If I'm really into it, then he won't mind in the end, but if I'm just half-assed about it, surely he wouldn't like it.

Bottom line is, I don't know what to do. And I'm so frustrated about it. Really. I want to ask someone for help, but who? In the end, it's gonna be my decision, and I'm the one that's gonna go through it. And nobody would know how I really am, what I really like, what I'm suited to do. The only one who should know all that is me.

That's the problem though, I don't really know myself. I'm full of insecurities and self-doubt. Because I'm not sure about what I want to do, I'm afraid of what people think about it. If I'm confident at what I do, people can throw rocks at me for all I care and I still would stick with it. But I'm not. I'll crumble at the slightest comment.

There's also the problem of my SPM results. I seriously can't even predict how my results will be like because I think I really did it with a loose screw. People are worried about their results, I'm worried too but I'm way more worried about what I'm going to do after that.

So that's what it is all about. I think this post was way too jumbled up and there's too much information but who cares. That's what my mind is like right now.




Another interesting thing, earlier when we had lunch with Mak Tam, she asked me what I am currently doing and I literally answered "Tak buat apa. Duduk kat rumah ja." Now that I think back on it, that answer probably left a bad impression. I should think of a better answer, something like "Going crazy thinking about the future" or "Finding out ways to download animes faster."