Rain

He remembered the first time someone saved him. It was raining.

Takao was running away from home, from his drunken father. Ever since his mother died his father would always come home late and drunk. It was tolerable at first but after a while his father would look at him and see his mother in him and that’s when the beatings start. After putting up with it for almost a year, he couldn’t stand it anymore. And so he ran.

He didn’t know what to do and where he was going but he just kept running. When he felt he was far enough from his father, he stopped to catch his breath. Only then did he look at his surroundings. Apparently, he was at a street with rows of shop on his right. He didn’t recognize any of the shops so he knew he was very far from his home.

Suddenly, he felt something wet land on his cheeks. Looking up, he realized it was starting to rain. People started looking for shelter in the shops or opened up their umbrellas. The crowded street was suddenly empty, and he felt scared.

He had nowhere to go, he had no one to help him, and his father could easily find him and drag him back home. He felt like he was so alone in the world. Not knowing what to do, he sat down and leaned on the wall beside one of the shops. He brought his knees up to his chest and buried his face in them. The rain continued to fall.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, and how many strangers looked at him disapprovingly. Suddenly, the feeling of rain falling on him stopped. He looked up to see the cause of it and saw a bespectacled guy holding an umbrella over him. The guy was bending down so that he was on the same eye-level as Takao. He could see that the guy had really long eyelashes.

“What are you doing sitting down here getting soaked in the rain? Don’t you have anywhere to go?”

His voice was low with a hint of concern. Takao could only look away, and didn’t answer. The guy didn’t seem to mind and thrust the umbrella to him. Out of reflex, Takao took it.

“Take it, you seem to need it more than I do. My house is just around the corner anyway”

Takao could only watch in shock as the stranger walked away, rain soaking into his clothes immediately. He, on the other hand, still held the umbrella and was protected from the rain. He sat there for a while and wondered why the stranger gave him his umbrella. Numerous of people passed him by before but not one approached him and asked him if he was okay, much less offering their umbrella.

He was lost in his thoughts when a police officer came and asked him if he was running away from home. The officer saw the bruises on him and asked if he was abused. Having a ray of hope given to him by the stranger’s kindness, Takao told the officer about his father and pleaded the officer to help him.

Only years later would he realize that it was the very same stranger that reported to the police about a teenager with bruises sitting in the rain on the streets.

He remembered the first time he saw him cry. It was raining then, too.

Takao was happily living his life, after being adopted into a caring family that always wanted a son and a little sister that always wanted an older brother. His real father was arrested and was doing his time. He never forgot the day that he ran away from home, the day that a stranger had, in his own way, saved him.

Imagine his surprise when he saw his savior on the first day of high school, during the registration for the basketball club. He approached the guy who he only realized had green hair and gave him a smile.

“Thanks for the umbrella back then, I still have it if you want it back”

The other simply pushed his glasses up and said “Oh, you were the one on the streets. Keep it. I have many more at home”

“We haven’t properly introduced each other yet right? I’m Takao Kazunari! Nice to meet you~” He held out his hand for a handshake.

“Midorima Shintarou” He grabbed Takao’s hand and shook it.

“Shintarou? Hmm… that’s too long. I know! I’ll call you Shin-chan~!”

And that was where their friendship started. They became good partners in the basketball team, facing strong teams left and right. They won all of the games and advanced to the prelims for the Interhigh. Shuutoku wasn’t called one of Tokyo’s Three Kings for nothing.

Unfortunately, that was where they faced Seirin and went through a lot of trouble with both Kuroko and Kagami. It was a close game, but in the end they lost. Everyone gave their all, but a loss was still a loss and tears were still shed. Everyone headed back to the locker room to change, except Midorima. Takao noticed he was missing and decided to find him after he was done changing.

He went out of the stadium. It was raining heavily, so he opened up his umbrella, which was also the same one that Midorima gave him years ago. He started to look for Midorima and found him leaning on a wall, his face skywards.

At first Takao thought it was the rain, but seeing the redness of his eyes, Takao knew he was crying. Seeing Midorima Shintarou, number one shooter, ace of Shuutoku, and most importantly his partner cry, Takao vowed to work even harder so that Midorima would never cry over a loss again.

He decided not to bother the shooter and gave him some privacy.

Heart's Desire

I am seriously not liking this phase of my life. This moment where I have to decide what I want to do in my life.

Seriously, every  time I think about the future my mind goes like 200km per hour and everything's so messed up and I just get a lil crazy and when I think too hard about it I even feel like crying.

My parents are very supportive and they said they didn't mind whatever it is that I want to do, but it's really hard you know. Dad says I can do a lot of things, (meaning my course, you know since I take the pure science stream) and he wants me to get into UM. No, scratch that. I have to get into UM. I don't mind him saying I need to get into UM cos you know what? I don't know what I want to do.

He did the research for me (because he's more excited for me to get into UM) and he gave me a recommendation. For Diploma, take the Management course. Because that's the only Diploma offered in UM that I could take, since I do not want to take anything that is heavily science-based. Even with the Diploma, I would already be qualified to become an Assistant Administrative Officer, whatever the hell that is.

With that Diploma, I can also get a Degree in UM more easily I guess because it was one of the requirements to continue Degree in UM. There are other options besides the Diploma, which is Matriks but I can only take science or accounts in Matriks and I do not intend to do either of that. With the Management Diploma, I could continue any Degree in UM that I want, it does not necessarily have to be Management, but if I suddenly do fall in love with it I can also continue in Management. Basically, this route is giving me a lot of options.

It is a good thing, I don't have any objections about it. I don't know about management, but I think I can work it out, and I can do other things for my Degree.

The situation right now is like this, my brothers are home right now. The eldest, Abang, is currently doing his Masters in Geology. The second brother/third child, Andi, is currently doing Degree in Engineering. And so whenever we talk about my future they also give their thoughts about it.

Abang is on track. He has always been interested in rocks since he was a kid. And so he took Geology and he seems to enjoy it. Career-wise, he might continue for a PhD and become a lecturer.

Andi is giving me a headache. He told me he also didn't know what to do after SPM and Dad suggested taking Engineering, and he said he was like "Oh, that kinda sounds interesting." And he told me that when Dad suggested anything to me (including the UM route above) I was like "Hmmmm.... yeah sounds ok." So he asked me if I was really okay with it.

Earlier too, we (begrudgingly) went to lunch with my Mak Tam. And of course The Golden Question was asked. I said I wasn't sure what I wanted to do yet. So they asked, Doctor? No way. Engineer? I accidently said Maybe but in reality, No. Culinary? I said No too.

So then Andi asks me "Then what do you want to do?"

That's the thing bro, I DON'T KNOW!!

Back to Andi though, he told my Dad that he doesn't really think that he'll be and Engineer at the end of the day. He said that he's more interested in Teaching or 'Tenaga Pengajar' or something somewhat. He said he might be either a lecturer or a high school teacher. Dad said he should be a lecturer cos he thinks it suits Andi more and something like "You don't want to discipline children,right?" and Andi just hums in response.

I don't know if Dad remembers but I do. Andi once said that he wanted to be a school teacher because he could educate children, help shape them up. And maybe I remembered it because it was a really honorable thing for him to want to do. If I'm not mistaken he had said he wanted to be a kindergarten teacher at one time too.

Back to his conversation with Dad, he said maybe he won't be an Engineer and Dad said "Just follow your heart's desire." And Andi's heart's desire is probably becoming a school teacher.

So what about me? What about my heart's desire? Should I also follow it too? What if my heart's desire is not a good thing? Will everyone not accept it?

My heart's desire... If I'm truly being honest, I want to have a relaxing life and enjoy it. I don't want to do anything that's hard and stressful. But you know what? This is just my immature thinking. Everyone wants to have a good life, but they grow up. They have faced hardships to have a good life. Me? I'm still thinking like a spoiled brat.

I do have something I feel like doing, but I'm not even sure I could call it my heart's desire. Maybe it's just something I want to do, like wanting to try a Macaron or Pavlova. It's not like tasting desserts all over the world is your heart's desire, right? It's just something interesting you might want to try.

So there is this thing. I want to write a story, either so sad it'll tug your heartstrings and make you bawl your eyes out, or so good in a way you feel like you're in the book. You feel like, "Yeah, I've been through this kind of things." If I'm gonna put  it in a cheesy way, I wanna inspire people through my stories.

I really enjoy good stories. Be it through books, animes, movies or TV shows. It could be real, it could be fiction.

But that's the thing though. I did say it once, "I'm kinda interested in writing. Like, stories." And Dad was all "Oh, creative  writing. Yeah, there's those stuffs too" and the conversation kind of strays and he never mentioned about it again. Even Andi who was listening didn't comment anything on it.

I did joke with Andi about it once. I was trying to tell Andi about Kuroko No Basket's plot but I was fangirling so much I kinda got it all jumbled up, and he said "You're a really good story-teller" full of sarcasm. And I replied with equal sarcasm "Yeah, I'm aiming to become a writer you know"

He must have thought I was joking, but I was actually kinda serious at that time. But after he said that, of course the insecure-me comes out. Do I really have the talents for this? Is my English even that good? Kakak is definitely a better writer, and better in English, she even speaks with an accent, okay?

So now I don't know what to do. And like the post before, about the Future Talk, being in culinary might be great too, but in desserts area. Pastry Chef. But Dad already said No. He said "Culinary? No, I don't want Adik to take that" So Andi asked why and he said it was like music, something he thought would be better left as a hobby. But I am kinda interested in it. Maybe it's because I think it won't be as hard as other things, and I won't be studying some crazy stuffs.

Of course, even if Dad says it's up to me what I want to do, he already mentioned that he does not want me to take Culinary. So even if I end up taking something, if he doesn't like me taking it, it still kinda sucks. If I'm really into it, then he won't mind in the end, but if I'm just half-assed about it, surely he wouldn't like it.

Bottom line is, I don't know what to do. And I'm so frustrated about it. Really. I want to ask someone for help, but who? In the end, it's gonna be my decision, and I'm the one that's gonna go through it. And nobody would know how I really am, what I really like, what I'm suited to do. The only one who should know all that is me.

That's the problem though, I don't really know myself. I'm full of insecurities and self-doubt. Because I'm not sure about what I want to do, I'm afraid of what people think about it. If I'm confident at what I do, people can throw rocks at me for all I care and I still would stick with it. But I'm not. I'll crumble at the slightest comment.

There's also the problem of my SPM results. I seriously can't even predict how my results will be like because I think I really did it with a loose screw. People are worried about their results, I'm worried too but I'm way more worried about what I'm going to do after that.

So that's what it is all about. I think this post was way too jumbled up and there's too much information but who cares. That's what my mind is like right now.




Another interesting thing, earlier when we had lunch with Mak Tam, she asked me what I am currently doing and I literally answered "Tak buat apa. Duduk kat rumah ja." Now that I think back on it, that answer probably left a bad impression. I should think of a better answer, something like "Going crazy thinking about the future" or "Finding out ways to download animes faster."