Going into "adulthood"

Okay so hi, I don't think anyone's reading this blog and it's like dead already but anyways I wanted to let out my thoughts and feelings and well, why not just post it here to feel like I'm sharing it to someone. 

So basically, corona happened. The world was a mess. There are many people suffering, but today I'm just sharing things from my perspective.

For me, corona happened, and my final semester had to be done online. I was an RA at the time (god it feels just like yesterday but it's actually been a year already? wtf I have to wrap my head around this oh wow) and so RA work had to be done online as well.

It was quite stressful at the time, because everyone was at home, I had my thesis to finish and a bit of RA work, and as we all know I absolutely suck at managing time. So yeah, I had a bit of trouble focusing on finishing my thesis, but as always, when push comes to shove, I finished it. 

When I did, it felt like freedom. I was done! Like, whatever shit it was that I wrote, I did it and submit and it was done. All that's left was to wait for the results.

So I celebrated. Started this game that I've been dying to play and am still addicted to it. Spent my days doing absolutely nothing but watch movies and anime. Just you know, like a typical semester break stuff, holiday stuffs. 

And then we're still in quarantine, on certain levels. News of people losing jobs, starting their own home business due to it, companies cutting down costs, all this terrible economy things.

So I thought, yeah it's a tough time, how do you expect me to do anything for now?

And then my results came out. Alhamdulillah, I passed. And so I finished my degree. Just like that. It definitely felt underwhelming. I mean, I wasn't that big on woah convocations! pictures! me wearing the robe! I'm officially graduating! like honestly it wasn't that big of a deal for me. But still, it just felt like a thing that passed. So yeah, I graduated. After a while, even the transcript is posted to my house, yay.

And then what?

Well... obviously and then job right? You've graduated, time to get a job. 

Oh.

Huh.

A job?

I know I have to get a job. I want to get a job. But I don't know what to do. Yes, my degree means the natural course is to be a teacher, but do I want to be a teacher? Everybody would obviously say "then why the heck did you take the course if you don't want to be a teacher?" well Miranda maybe some people have absolutely no passion for things and just decide to do things they think they're capable of. I love English, I do, but I don't know if I'm cut out to be a teacher.

Yes, people would be like, "the hell man it's not like you get to be picky. people don't have jobs out here. some people just work even if they hate it because they need to make a living." And I get it. I don't have the rights to be so picky over what jobs I get to do.

But the thing is I've applied to be a teacher and so far there's no further update. I don't know whether they're still processing it or I didn't get it. (I mean, how does school even work these days? are schools even going to open in January next year? I don't know man)

And while waiting, you can't just shake your legs. You gotta find experience, work part-time. And I am doing it, I've been going through the job market but I just... I'm just lost. 

Like, it's such a big world and I still feel like a student, a child. And I hate it. If I ever tell this to anyone they would probably tell me to grow up. Accept the fact that you're 23, you're supposed to be a functioning adult at this point. 

Huh, speaking of functioning adult, being quarantined to the house has been taking a toll on me for a bit too. I mean, alhamdulillah there's always a roof on our heads and food is always around, but no one is working in this house. Only one of my brother has a job right now and everyone else is either still studying or unemployed. After I graduated, I belong in the unemployed category. And money doesn't grow on trees, nor does rice. I do feel the pressure, I do know I need to earn money.

While I'm unemployed I do try to be a contributing member of household, and also a functioning adult, but I really don't have the confidence to like, take over the cooking. I feel bad that my mom has been cooking all throughout but I just, can't find the courage to cook. I do help as much as I could but sometimes I just feel so useless, like I can't even cook for my mom. 

And then there are my friends, my same-age people who have received their first job, are continuing their studies, are helping full time around the house. And then there's me, spending more than half of my day rotting in front of my laptop. 

I feel so useless but at the same time I don't take the courage to change it, and I hate myself for it. Like even now, I'm sure I could do something better but here I am complaining about my first-world problems here. 

I hate it. I hate that I feel the pressure but I don't do anything about it. I try, but I feel like I don't try enough. I hate myself. I'm scared. I think I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I'm just running now. Running from the things I'm scared of. Running away from responsibilities I should take up. 

I don't know what to do.

Throwback time

So once again I only remembered I had this blog and went through my old posts (some were gold wow I was such a cute kid those past years) and I came across some sort of time capsule posts? So I decided to sort of respond to it and see if what I wrote actually happened or anything. So here goes!

First is a post from August 2016 (this was 2 years ago?! Time really flies...) Here's the post.

This was when I was about to start my degree life. I'm entering my third year now. Heh I'm still as unfocused as ever even now compared to back then lol.

I'm still surprised over the fact that I passed the interview. But well, here I am as a TESL UM student.

My father is still very much happy that he has another child in UM. Wouldn't let it go for the rest of our lives.

I was anxious back then but I had fun entering UM. The orientation week was very interesting eventhough it was quite tiring. But I had fun. I think I managed well enough so far. I mean, things are more difficult but I'm still procrastinating work so yeah we should really work on that eh?

Lol the 'Kajian Bakat' sheet was only for the orientation week cos they wanted to put you in an activity for the orientation week so your bakat was going to determine that. I got put into choir cos I ticked band, can you believe it? But it was fun too. Still could have danced. Still did dance for FESKUM, which was pretty great.

Ah, joining the orchestra. That didn't work out so well. My friends and I did go to a meeting but I dunno, the vibe was different and we couldn't find the instructor for pit so we just gave up. All the meetings were at DTC too which is so difficult to get to. Well, actually it's not that hard but I'm just making excuses.

I did, however, joined gamelan! But it was only for Ko-K. Still, I got to play and it was great. I would love to join it if the opportunity arise but so far, maybe not. Also, I may or may not have accidently burned the kain of the uniform we had for Pesta Ko-K so the instructor might not have the best memory of me ehehe... *sweats*

So yeah that was that I think I'm handling degree life pretty okay (I can say this now cos I'm on my sem break and the sem haven't started lol) so here's to more fun adventures in degree life!


The next post (and also the last one) is an actual time capsule here's the link. I wrote it on the first day of 2017 and it should have been read at the end of 2017 but hey ho would you look at that it's already 2018 whoops. I'm not sure how to respond cos I'm already past 2017 but whatever right?

LOL what a cliche. I think I did face some difficult times in my second year but yeah I'm still here right? So I survived. About not repeating the same mistakes... we all try to learn from mistakes but sometimes habits die hard. But I definitely learned a lot through second year.

OMG MY MAIN INTEREST! I'm not sure about 2017 but as of now I'm...actually...following NCT... quite closely... ehehehe...

BUT I STILL LOVE MONSTA X!

I think towards the end of 2017 and into 2018 I got hooked on The Unit. Yes, another survival show that I got stuck to. But it was great of course. Currently my top groups are MONSTA X, NCT, UNB and Wanna One. So yeah, no worries I still like MX.

OMG! MONSTA X DID GET THEIR FIRST WIN! I think it was this year though, with DRAMARAMA. I remember not expecting anything but suddenly seeing #MonstaXFirstWin trending on twitter and I just went crazy. The boys cried so much and I cried just as much with them. Wow it was a great time. And they even got another win with Jealousy! I'm so proud of them. As of now I think they finished their world tour and is having an encore concert in Seoul. Minhyuk has reddish brown hair Kihyun dark brown Jooheon orange Hyungwon platinum blonde and the rest are black. So yeah, I'm still following them. It's hard not to when I have twitter now. It's much easier to keep up with all these different groups.

WOW fashion sense hmm... I think I'm still the same hahahahahaha. I sometimes wear coloured tudung now so it's not black all the time I guess hahahaha. Overall, still the same. Ooh I might get my spectacles changed before the sem starts so who knows? Maybe I'll get new frames that would change up my look? Nah, I'd probably still look the same.

I'm trying to learn how to cook cokodok Adabi this sem break but I still can't find the right time. But I will get there! I did learn how to ride a bike this time so yay me! Driving... still can't find the right time. Piano? Hmm... the keyboard is not around so yeah... not that I'm lazy or anything... I swear...
Oooh my MapleStory characters did get to Level 100+. I might start playing again this break but the break is almost over and I still have a lot of other things planned out so... we'll see. It'd be nice to play again. Maybe after I publish a fanfic (FINALLY).

Yeah still not sure what I did in 2017 but I'm sure I had a good time. Yep, I patted myself in the back too many times, don't worry.

Yeah, hello 2018 but now it's already September so heheayeah~! I had a fun time reading these posts wow I'm such a cute kid.

Oh wait. I should stop calling myself a kid cos I'm already 20. Oh no. Turning 21 as well this year. Oh no.

A main character in a drama

I've realized what my problem is now. I have this feeling where I feel like I'm the main character in this drama called life.

some motivational speaker's voice echoing in the distance "that's because you are! you are the main character in your life!" 

Well, let me explain.

Recently I've been feeling a bit down and thinking about the future (which always sucks) and I just felt so small and the world is so big and how am I ever gonna get a job being me? I know technically I'm quite safe because there's always a need for teachers and I'm on the right path to be a teacher just follow the path and you'll get there.

But that's the thing, as of now I don't want to be a teacher. I feel like it's not meant for me and I can't deal managing students for the rest of my career. I know they say you never know until you try and once you see the kids it'll change but as of now, I don't plan on being a teacher.

So what do I plan to be? I actually have no specific idea. I just thought I wanted to be involved in anything writing-related you know? Publishing, journalism or anything. So this cowardly ass went to search about those job opportunities. And with no surprise, the job specifications ask for graduates from journalism or equal. Which I am not. I would in the future be an education graduate.

My hope just shattered then. I mean, of course no one is gonna take me when they can have journalism graduates. Just impress them in the interviews? Hah, that's funny. Me, aceing an interview? What a miracle.

So anyway, I felt like I can't make it into any writing related jobs cos they want people who specialize in it and comparatively I am nothing. My writing is only so-so how can they ask me to write things and come up with ideas and contribute? So yeah, self-doubting began.

And then, with just the slightest compliment, my hopes went soaring back up for a second and that's when I realized the problem of me feeling like a main character.

What happened was that I was texting a friend about SOP (another thing I'm worried about but it'll get a separate post..? maybe...? ) and then my friend asked about my results which came out yesterday. I told him I got a good result and then he just went 'Yeaaaaahhh HEBAT' and then I was happy.

In that split second, I got all this flash of a thought and I was really bothered by it. In a split second I thought 'see, you have something great in you, you're better than some others you can't waste it'. See the fine print? I was so cocky.

Honestly, I was very grateful and happy for my results but results and I have always been chill with each other. One of my friend can relate to this urgh I was so happy when I explained it and the friend was like 'so you're like me'. I'M NOT ALONE OKAY

But when my friend expressed his congratulations I felt happy for it you know? It's like, getting validation I guess? It makes it seem more real?

But anyway, the point that I got from my observation of myself (since I don't think I'm making any sense by now) is that I need to feel like I'm meant for something.

You know how in the movies, the main character is always destined to be something great or save the world or anything. That's how I want to be like. I need that validation.

An example, I want to do something related to writing. I want to be an author, I want to write stories. Then, I need someone to come and tell me "Dude, you are a natural. You can do it man, your stories are great! You're good at this" But when I don't, I doubt myself so much and just lose confidence. Case in point, the jobs are looking for journalism graduates and they would definitely be better than me in the job.

So for this case, my friend congratulate me and so I felt like 'hey, I'm pretty okay. I still have something I can offer. I'm okay I can do this'. While this is perfectly acceptable to think, I think deep in my heart I just want to be better than others. Case in point, I got (maybe) better results. And so I think that I am special and have something slightly better to offer.

WHICH IS REALLY BAD THINKING.

I don't know what to call this, is this being inferior? You're not confident at all when you're not praised for it but when you do you feel so high and mighty? Is this being inferior? Do I have inferiority complex? Haaaaaaaa I'm so sad if that is the case.

I always have a lot of conflicting thoughts when I self-reflect and it's so hard to set my mind when there's so many conflicting thoughts.

But as of now, I need to complete my SOP successfully, I need to congratulate my friend as well cos he just revealed he also received good results (I'm so happy!) and also to think about all this info that I have gathered and figure myself out a bit more. I love self-discoveries, don't you?

To end this post, I'll channel my inner motivational speaker and say

"You are the main characters in this drama called life! You get to decide whether this drama is going to be an action, comedy, romance, tragedy, horror, or whatever other genre there is. You! Are! The! Star!"
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... anyone feel moved? if you did, call me up and I'll create some more motivational speeches pffftt

Selamat Hari Raya 2018!

Hey so I remembered I have this blog and I used to update a lot of my random rants and musings here so I thought 'hey, why not write something?'

So here I am. Coincidently, it's also Hari Raya today so Selamat Hari Raya everyone!

I've never actually stopped writing about things, I still write but they're not as long as my old old posts here. It's probably because I'm so busy doing degree.

Pffttt. Am I seriously saying that?

Okay the truth is degree is of course hard and takes a lot of my time but it's never a reason for me to not write but I just spend too much time watching Kpop and procrastinate doing my assignments and then it'll all pile up and then hell week begins.

So yeah, I'm not super busy but there is less time to sit down, relax, and think about things to write a lot about. But I do still write (especially when I procrastinate ayy) only I don't write it here but instead I use this super amazing software called OneNote. It's actually just a basic thing but I absolutely love it. Most of my writings nowadays are just short prompts and sometimes attempt at poems though. I am looking to write about fictional situations these days instead of just my thoughts but I always get lost or lose my drive halfway through it's such a bad habit.

Yeah so I don't know what else to write. Have a good day I guess?

GIF dump

I'm doing a 30 day challenge and today it's a gif of my bias but I can't put gif on OneNote so here I am dumping them here hehehe

MOST FAV MOMENT HWANGDEEP BEING THE SOFTEST

Ouran Highschool Host Club anyone?

Clingy Daehwi is the best Daehwi. Did I mention how much I love Jinhwi? I really love Jinhwi

Minhyun being so... urghh I can't

Visual explosion

Soft and squishy Daehwi

NU'EST Minhyun being adorable

The point here is Ong he's like a beast ulala

Playing with Fire Daehwi aka the sassiest Daehwi

Daniel being Daniel (plus bonus Baejin at the back)

Beauty

Look at that happy fanboy being fed by his fav

Park Woojin is art

Epic filming