I've realized what my problem is now. I have this feeling where I feel like I'm the main character in this drama called life.
some motivational speaker's voice echoing in the distance "that's because you are! you are the main character in your life!"
Well, let me explain.
Recently I've been feeling a bit down and thinking about the future (which always sucks) and I just felt so small and the world is so big and how am I ever gonna get a job being me? I know technically I'm quite safe because there's always a need for teachers and I'm on the right path to be a teacher just follow the path and you'll get there.
But that's the thing, as of now I don't want to be a teacher. I feel like it's not meant for me and I can't deal managing students for the rest of my career. I know they say you never know until you try and once you see the kids it'll change but as of now, I don't plan on being a teacher.
So what do I plan to be? I actually have no specific idea. I just thought I wanted to be involved in anything writing-related you know? Publishing, journalism or anything. So this cowardly ass went to search about those job opportunities. And with no surprise, the job specifications ask for graduates from journalism or equal. Which I am not. I would in the future be an education graduate.
My hope just shattered then. I mean, of course no one is gonna take me when they can have journalism graduates. Just impress them in the interviews? Hah, that's funny. Me, aceing an interview? What a miracle.
So anyway, I felt like I can't make it into any writing related jobs cos they want people who specialize in it and comparatively I am nothing. My writing is only so-so how can they ask me to write things and come up with ideas and contribute? So yeah, self-doubting began.
And then, with just the slightest compliment, my hopes went soaring back up for a second and that's when I realized the problem of me feeling like a main character.
What happened was that I was texting a friend about SOP (another thing I'm worried about but it'll get a separate post..? maybe...? ) and then my friend asked about my results which came out yesterday. I told him I got a good result and then he just went 'Yeaaaaahhh HEBAT' and then I was happy.
In that split second, I got all this flash of a thought and I was really bothered by it. In a split second I thought 'see, you have something great in you, you're better than some others you can't waste it'. See the fine print? I was so cocky.
Honestly, I was very grateful and happy for my results but results and I have always been chill with each other. One of my friend can relate to this urgh I was so happy when I explained it and the friend was like 'so you're like me'. I'M NOT ALONE OKAY
But when my friend expressed his congratulations I felt happy for it you know? It's like, getting validation I guess? It makes it seem more real?
But anyway, the point that I got from my observation of myself (since I don't think I'm making any sense by now) is that I need to feel like I'm meant for something.
You know how in the movies, the main character is always destined to be something great or save the world or anything. That's how I want to be like. I need that validation.
An example, I want to do something related to writing. I want to be an author, I want to write stories. Then, I need someone to come and tell me "Dude, you are a natural. You can do it man, your stories are great! You're good at this" But when I don't, I doubt myself so much and just lose confidence. Case in point, the jobs are looking for journalism graduates and they would definitely be better than me in the job.
So for this case, my friend congratulate me and so I felt like 'hey, I'm pretty okay. I still have something I can offer. I'm okay I can do this'. While this is perfectly acceptable to think, I think deep in my heart I just want to be better than others. Case in point, I got (maybe) better results. And so I think that I am special and have something slightly better to offer.
WHICH IS REALLY BAD THINKING.
I don't know what to call this, is this being inferior? You're not confident at all when you're not praised for it but when you do you feel so high and mighty? Is this being inferior? Do I have inferiority complex? Haaaaaaaa I'm so sad if that is the case.
I always have a lot of conflicting thoughts when I self-reflect and it's so hard to set my mind when there's so many conflicting thoughts.
But as of now, I need to complete my SOP successfully, I need to congratulate my friend as well cos he just revealed he also received good results (I'm so happy!) and also to think about all this info that I have gathered and figure myself out a bit more. I love self-discoveries, don't you?
To end this post, I'll channel my inner motivational speaker and say
"You are the main characters in this drama called life! You get to decide whether this drama is going to be an action, comedy, romance, tragedy, horror, or whatever other genre there is. You! Are! The! Star!"
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... anyone feel moved? if you did, call me up and I'll create some more motivational speeches pffftt
